Metamorphosis
by Pazel
Summary: Alex Smith is forced to move from Detroit to Japan, leaving behind all of his life for an entire year. Racism towards the Japanese consumes him as snow consumes the earth. Can the Host Club help him see the beauty of challenges before he goes home? RxR
1. Moving

"Moving!" I exclaimed. The word was not even a question, as it should have been. I was hoping I had heard wrong.

My father nodded, his arm gently around my mother's shoulders. It was as if this was no big deal.

"To where?" I asked. "Will I still be able to see my friends? And what about Jill?"

My mother's wrinkles lips pouted in a gentle sigh. "I know this is hard for you, but your father's work sends him on business trips all the time. This one is for a year, so he wants us to come with him. It's only a year, Alex."

A light bulb went off in my head as I retraced my father's previous trips. The closest was to head quarters for a month in Washington D.C., still God knows how many miles from our home, Detroit. He had also been to Korea, Canada, Chile, Colombia, England, Lithuania (wherever that is), Nicaragua, and Guam all within the past few years.

My father was a computer genius; a classy mechanic. He would, along with the creators of the computers, travel to different countries to put in a password that only he knew, fix a problem, or create a super virus to end the world (although that's just my theory). Said computers controlled irrigation systems, payroll for the fortune 500, and some even housed government secrets. He was basically a fix-it man who got paid more than most people will ever make in their lifetimes for one little click of a mouse, while also getting to stay in a 5-star hotel room for free.

"We won't be in the country?" I asked breathlessly.

"We'll be in Japan," my father said, squinting a little as if he was bracing for me to sock him in the face.

I was angry, but I wasn't about to get violent. The kitchen shrunk around me, and I almost felt as if I couldn't breath. "I won't go!" I screamed, trying to get a huge pressure off of my chest. I thought screaming would get it off, but it did nothing, and the feeling of something crushing me didn't go away.

"We've already enrolled you in a school. It's called Ouran. It's really nice- nothing like what's around here. It'll be great. You'll make new friends, and then come home after a year and have pen pals!" my father tried to encourage, but I wasn't buying it.

"What about Jill?" I asked, my voice cracking.

"Maybe she'll wait for you," my mother said with a weak smile. "She's a good girl."

It a fit of fury, I turned around on my heels and ran out of the door. I ran in a familiar direction, but I didn't know where I was going as I was running. I stopped suddenly and pounded on a light blue door with my fist.

A tall girl with long blond hair and baby blue eyes answered. "Alex? What's wrong? Why are you crying?" She ushered me in and sat me down on the couch. Her mother brought over a plate of cookies, which she was always baking. I was too shuck up to even thank her or take one. I just sat on the couch and shook.

"Alex," she said, kneeling by my side, "what happened?"

I told her the whole story in short, choppy sentences, right down to how I didn't know a word of Japanese. I mean, I knew ching ching chong, but that was racist and Chinese, anyway. I didn't know any Japanese, other than Daisuke Matsuzaka and Hideki Okajima from the Red Sox, whom I have never met. And I had never heard the language spoken before.

"When are you leaving?" she asked, her voice breaking a little.

I shrugged. "A month, maybe?"

Jill started to cry, and I hugged her, exhaling my tears away. I really didn't want to leave. My whole life was in Detroit. Sure, it wasn't the prettiest or safest city, but my father had been born here, and even when he struck gold in the computer industry he couldn't find it in him to leave, and my mother was happy anywhere as long as he was there. They just settled there, where our family was. I didn't want to go to Japan! I was American! My whole life was here. My friends, my family, Jill... who was Japan to suddenly take that away?

For the next few hours, I did nothing but talk with Jill about how we had met and our dates and everything. Around dinnertime, my cell phone rang. It was my parents. I ignored the call. I didn't want to talk to those traitors.

Jill's saintly mother served me dinner, no questions asked, while I turned off my phone so I couldn't hear it ringing. I left around eight out of politeness to Jill's family, and walked the mile home.

When I reached home, the doors were unlocked and the lights were on. My father was pissed, of course. He stormed over to me, which made me just as hostile. My mother stood by the couch, silent, waiting to intervene if things got too serious.

"Where were you?" my father demanded.

"Out," I answered.

"Where?"

"A place."

"Young man, I-"

I passed by him and ran upstairs. I jogged down the hallway and slammed the door to my room. I locked it and flopped down on my bed, where I fell asleep.

**ONE MONTH LATER**

I had packed everything I owned into bags that would arrive at the airport around the same time as I did.

In Japan.

All the way across the world.

For a year.

Everyday for the past month, I spent all of my free time with my friends or Jill. I tried to hang on to each moment, as if I could stop time from flowing and be caught in the moments after school forever. The moments slipped out from my grasp. I had no choice but to let go.

All of my things were traveling in a big truck behind my mother's car. I hated my father too much to drive with him. My mother sympathized with me. My father thought Japan was the best thing since Playboy. I thought it was the worst. I was being pulled from everything I knew and thrust into a totally new world where people ate on a table three inches off the ground like dogs. I did _not _want to go!

**SEVERAL HOURS LATER**

Groggy and jetlagged, I hobbled off of the plane onto foreign soil. Light pink flower petals flew around us as the wind tossed them around gently. The trees were becoming bare as the winter began to creep in. A petal landed on my shoulder as if to welcome me to Japan and whisper secrets about their ancient culture in my ear. I brushed it off my shoulder, unhappy with their welcome wagon of flower petals.

People bowed to us as we walked by. My father returned what I could only guess was a respectful gesture. I thought the were freaks. They tried to speak to my father in broken English. I rolled my eyes.

I _hated _Japan.

Sleep didn't come to me that night. I went to school the next morning in a zombie-like state and followed by a man in his twenties named Steve, but there was no way that that was his real name. He was my translator since I didn't speak the native language. I was going to be taught it after school with him, which sounded boring. I didn't trust him. I didn't trust anyone whose slanty eyes made them look like an ant.

Within the next few days, I had made no friends. Not a one. I didn't speak a word of Japanese, either, but I kept hearing this one word- "moe". All of the girls said it around me when I stared out the window at the sky, thinking of Jill. It wasn't in any Japanese-English dictionaries that I could find. It had to be slang. They were probably making fun of me. Bastards.

In all honesty, I was almost jealous of everyone who had friends. The class did seem very friendly. I sat alone, ate alone, and went home alone. Whatever, I had friends back home. I didn't need anyone else.

Then, one day as I ate lunch in the classroom, a short boy with brown hair sat next to me. He pushed his desk over so it was touching mine, and we sat in silence. We always ate in the classroom together, but we sat on opposite sides of the class, in a silent understanding of personal space. Maybe he hadn't gotten that memo.

"Konichi- errr, herro," he said in a quiet, but not shy voice.

His accent confused me for a moment, but I understood after thinking it over. "Uh, hi."

He opened his lunch box. It had about three tiers and was full with sushi.

I had bought lunch- grilled chicken breast with a side of mashed potatoes and green beans. It was amazingly classy here. I had never been in such a place. The high ceilings and expensive food really surprised me. The place was full of rich kids, unlike any other place I had ever seen. All of the desks looked brand new, and the marble in the bathrooms always sparkled. It was nothing like Detroit, where the bathrooms sparkled with graffiti art.

The boy next to me put his fingers on his chest. "I am Haruhi," he told me slowly.

I nodded a little. "Alex," I said suspiciously, copying his motion. I weighed the possibility of him being gay and hitting on me. I had researched the Japanese culture. They're weird like that.

"Arex," he said to himself, as if he was trying to commit it to memory.

I winced. "Alex."

Haruhi seemed confused. "Arex."

"A_lllll_ex," I repeated, stressing the 'l'.

"Alux?"

I sighed and scooted away from him. "Never mind."

The last petal on the trees outside flew off with the wind and was lost in the sky.


	2. Foreign Type

A few days went by, and I continued my silence. Steve had nearly given up on me. The night before, I had lashed out on him as he tried to teach me to write like they did. It was too hard! I didn't want to learn. My mother had apologized for me, tipped him generously, and allowed him to go home for the night.

The only person I even got close to was Haruhi, who did not give up on me, no matter how rude I tried to be. His persistence almost made me respect him. I still didn't want to know him, though. I just wanted to be left alone. He didn't mean anything to me. He was Japanese. I hated him for that.

I knew that sounded racist, and maybe I was. I hated everything about Japan, even its people.

But for some reason, that made me hate myself.

I was eating lunch one day, when I realized I had forgotten a fork. As I stood to get one, Haruhi reached his hand over with a pair of chopsticks. I sat back down and accepted them nervously. I had never actually used chopsticks before, but I had steak tips and rice pilaf today, so it couldn't be that hard, right?

He placed my hands on them, and I noticed how tiny his wrists were. He looked like a girl. I had never seen such a small boy before. He was so dainty. I was almost afraid to break him. He let go of my hands, and I snapped out of my trance. I moved my fingers, and the chopsticks moved back and forth. I felt like a pro. I tried to pick up a steak tip, but instead managed to flick one of the chopsticks across the room. It hit the black board and rolled under the table.

For the first time since I had gotten to Japan, I laughed.

It felt nice to hear Haruhi laughing with me.

Our hearty laughs resounded off the walls surrounding us, and, as he wiped a tear from his eye, settled into my heart where it was put away in a secret compartment for a later date.

The next day, I sat in front of my computer, still and stunned.

I hated Japan!

On the screen was an e-mail from Jill, telling me we had to break up because she couldn't "handle the long distance relationship". Instead of answering her, begging her, or being angry with her, I deleted it and turned off the computer.

Expecting the blow doesn't always soften it. I crawled onto my bed and cried. I felt so alone, so lonely, so abandoned. There was no one there for me anymore. There was no one left to stand with me in the dark. I was stuck in a foreign world without a crutch to lean on. Japan was the worst.

My eyes must have still been puffy at lunch, because Haruhi placed his small, cold fingers on the lids.

I drew a question mark on my napkin. He asked me a question in Japanese, which obviously fell on deaf ears. Steve had lunch break now, too, so I had no translator. Haruhi must have noticed I was clueless because he let a small smile spread across his face. It was wise for his age, and told me a story of some tragic event that I could never empathize with. Something in his smile ripped at me and told me how weak I was, compared to this small boy who had lost something very close to him in his life. His sad eyes told me of a pain, a pain that I was lucky enough to have never experienced, that had touched his soul and ripped at him.

I was stunned for a minute at his smile and the sadness it displayed.

He handed me a little piece of cake from one of the freaking thousands of secret compartments in his weird Japanese lunch box. I accepted it and gave him a fruit roll up. They were my favorite snacks, and I had brought a few boxes with me from America. He took a bite, made a face, and handed it back. Once again, we laughed.

The class came back into the room, and Haruhi and I moved back to our seat. No one spoke to me, but the class crowded to where Haruhi was. Everyone wanted to be around his accepting smile. He was a rarity among people. It was no small wonder why he was so popular. He accepted the attention with more polite gratitude than actual want of it.

He stood and walked over to me. He placed his hand on my back and said a few things on what I could only guess was my behalf. Everyone smiled at me with acceptance except the two twins he was always with. I didn't really care about them. I stared up at Haruhi. I was in awe of him.

As soon as the bell for the end of the day rang, a tall boy with blonde hair raced into our classroom. The majority of the female population of the class yelled out in happiness, which I could understand. He was exceptionally good looking. He jetted through the classroom and stopped short at my desk, hollering in Japanese at me with the stupidest grin on his face I had ever seen. I turned to Steve for help as Haruhi tried to calm the boy down.

"That's Tamaki, and he wants you to join his host club," Steve explained.

I had never heard of a host club before. "What's that?"

"It's where good-looking boys entertain girls," Steve said. When he noticed my face, he added a quick, "nothing sexual, though."

"I can't speak Japanese!" I exclaimed. "How can he expect me to do that?"

Suddenly, there was a rumbling from underneath us, and the ground shook. I was sure it was an earthquake, when a platform came up with a girl on it. She wore the girl's uniform with a big pink bow in her light brown hair.

"Ho ho ho ho!" she laughed, her eyes staring daggers into mine.

Haruhi gasped. "Renge!"

I turned to Steve, who was giving this Renge girl the same amazed stare I was giving him. I turned back to her. She had a cup of tea and a small desk on the platform, and sat in a small, but comfortable-looking chair.

Renge pointed at me. I took an instinctive step back as she said in a thick French accent, "_You! _You are the foreign type!"

I had no idea what she was talking about. "Uhhh, what?"


	3. A Surprise Visit

"Where did you come from?" I asked, borderline outraged. Why did she have such a thick French accent when she spoke English, yet live in Japan? What was a _foreign type? _What was that motor?

"I am Renge," she introduced, "and I am the manager of the Host Club!"

"I'm not joining," I yelled up to the girl as I began to pack my things to go home for the day.

"But you must!" she insisted.

I began to walk away. I was almost to the doorway when she jumped from her platform over me and into the doorway, blocking my path. Pointing behind me and yelling some command, two different pairs of hands grabbed me and pulled me as she jumped lightly out of the way. They dragged me down the hall at top speed and threw me into some room with a piano and couches and tables and a really elaborate door to the right of me. It looked like it would lead to a haunted house.

All of a sudden, a hair stylist was working on me. I was far too surprised to object as he began to cut my shaggy hair. I didn't know what was going on, to be honest. I had never been kidnapped like that before. It was interesting, but annoying, and I wasn't sure I even trusted these people. Outside of Haruhi, everyone I've come into contact with was utterly insane.

When the stylist was done, he held up a mirror so I could see his masterpiece. My shaggy hair was cut short. It felt lighter and it looked better. It was also polished a shade lighter, making me a light brunette. I was almost blonde, but now a little lighter than the color of caramel.

"Ah!" the tall blonde exclaimed. He continued to speak to me in his foreign tongue, and I nodded and smiled to pretend as if I understood. Haruhi heard him talking, and sighed. The shorter boy tried to explain, or so I guessed, since I could not understand, that I did not speak Japanese, and it took a while for the taller of the two to understand.

The taller one let out a confused, "eh?" to Haruhi's words, but he seemed to get the point. The boy looked at me and started talking to me with a sad face. Haruhi said something else, and the other boy looked as if he were about to cry.

Haruhi looked at me with an exasperated, girlish smile and shrugged. We laughed a little, and the room seemed suddenly very quiet.

I looked up. Haruhi was still chuckling quietly while the twins from our class stared me down. The other members, a short blonde boy and a tall dark guy, slightly interested, while the boy with the glasses had a small and amused smile on his face. I searched the room for Renge or Steve, but the two seemed to have run home.

Steve was so useless!

The twins suddenly stepped forward and examined me as Haruhi's laugh faded into silent confusion. I figured they didn't like what they saw, because they gave me a dirty look.

Angered at their judgment, I marched out of the room and let the heavy doors slam behind me.

I walked home, nearly in tears. That had, by far, been the meanest thing anyone had ever done to me. I wished I had known what I had done to upset them, or what they didn't like about me. I had never been mean to them. I had never even spoken to them, nor anyone for that matter. They had probably just judged me on some whim- some false whim. I had never hurt them or been so mean to them. Crazy Japs! I knew I'd hate it here! I missed Detroit more than I had ever missed anything. I missed my friends. I missed Jill. I missed my voice. I felt so silenced. Nothing was right here.

The next day, luckily, there was no school. I was home alone for most of the day; dad was at work creating something secret, and mom had decided to go out for the day with the girls from the book club she had joined. Even my mother had friends.

I was so alone.

Around one, the doorbell rang. Thinking it was my mother, I rushed to the door to open it. I saw, instead, six members of the Host Club, all of them minus Haruhi. I was sure they were here to beat me up. They must have found my address through the school, and they had come to kill me. However, the tall blonde took my hand and said something in such a sad face, I let all my defenses down. His eyes looked truly pained. I was surprised. The twins had made me mad, and this guy had swallowed so much of his pride to actually feel as if he were at fault. I could tell he felt this way just from his eyes. They spoke to me. I was moved. Entranced, I let them in.

They put boxes full of sweets on my kitchen table, oohing and ahhing at the decor. I suppose it must have been strange for them; it was all from America.

After a few moments of looking around my kitchen and the rest of the downstairs, they congregated in the kitchen and sat down. One seat was left for me, which I took, almost hating myself. I wasn't sure if I hated myself for being angry with these people, or for sitting with them. Maybe a little of both. I still hadn't realized I was choking on my pride.

The tiny blonde opened the boxes, and then made no move to take any. They looked at me expectantly. A fleeting thought told me the food must be poisoned, but I shook that ridiculous notion away. I chose a little piece of chocolate cake, never breaking eye contact with them in case I was breaking some Japanese politeness rule, and only because that same small boy looked as if he wanted to pillage the boxes the moment I said the word. They made no indication that I should not take anything. I took the cake and he took four. The polite smile I had pasted on my face fell to a real one. I even chuckled in spite of myself.

Soon we were all eating. The blonde guy's face told me he was a complete idiot. He would look up, then jerk back down with a little, "woof!". Once our eyes met, and he looked down with lightening speed and a small yelp. He was a true idiot, but there was something deeper inside of him. It wasn't a front he put on; no, I believed him to be truly stupid. But when he was lost in thought, his face became different than the one he showed me. He looked determined and lonely, but he did not seem to dwell on these pains. The stupidity in his face was proof that he had a special power of rising above all of the emotional wounds inflicted on him, and the face he showed while apologizing to me showed that he had had many of those wounds.

But I had had my fair share of emotional wounds, as well.

It would take only a while to realize how very, very wrong I was. When Tamaki told me his story, I realized that everything I had gone through was just a speck of dust in the spectrum of real pain. But I didn't know that, yet. Not just yet.

I sighed as everyone finished. Everyone around me seemed to be confused as to what to do, so I stood and motioned for them to follow. I led them up to my room, where my electric guitar was plugged into my amp. I pulled the amp into the socket and sat on it, pulling my guitar into my lap. I strummed and tuned it until it sounded just right. The small blonde let out an amazed "ooh!" and I smiled a little. I began to play a song I wrote. It had no lyrics yet, but it was a nice melody, and I hoped it would make me famous one day.

One day many years later, it would be a top selling track, dedicated to the first girl I had ever truly fallen in love with; the girl that saved me.

When I finished, they clapped. The shortest one jumped up and down with excitement. Suddenly, the doorbell rang. The tall blonde, in his excitement, jumped up and ran down stairs to answer it. I ran after him, but he was faster and got to the door before I even got through the living room.

"Eh?" he exclaimed as I walked into the kitchen which led to the door. I couldn't see the person beyond the boy, who was obviously bigger than the person since he was looking down to see them and blocking them completely. "Haruhi?"


	4. Crossdresser!

I walked into the kitchen at a calmer pace, happy to find out it was only another school friend.

If you could call him that, or any of them that.

Around the tall blonde, I could just barely see Haruhi.

In a cute pink dress.

"What the hell are you wearing?" I exclaimed in English, hoping my message would get through to him. I jumped back instinctively, pointing at the dress that he wore so casually. I had always thought the Japanese were weird freaks, and now I was totally sure of it!

He must have gotten the hint, because he looked down with a dumb look in his eyes, mumbling something in Japanese, then looked back up at me. The other boy looked at me too, his violet eyes wide and lively with surprise. Apparently, I was the only one at this party who had no idea Haruhi was a cross dresser.

Behind me, two similar voices laughed. The twins were slapping their knees, crying out with laughter, and sputtering out half-sentences to the two in the doorway between gasps. Haruhi was muttering something in his/her/its usual cynical voice, while the tall blonde boy stared at me.

Suddenly, the short blonde jumped into the room. "Ne! Ne!" he yelled to catch our attention. When he had it, he beckoned us into the other room towards the computer, where a translator was on the screen. Immediately, the tall blonde sat down and typed something. It came out to me as total gibberish, making me realize how very different Japanese and English were. They boy with glasses sighed and said something. It must have been a good idea because the tall blonde one let out a little gasp and changed the language from Japanese to French. It finally translated to, _You did not know Haruhi is a girl?  
_

"A girl," I said dumbly, basically understanding his question. So she was a cross dresser, but at least it was a little more normal. A girl dressing as a guy is kinda cute, while a boy dressing as a girl is absolutely not so. I was relieved and impressed at her superb acting skills. I had never noticed a thing.

_No, why? How should I have known? _I translated.

The group was quiet and the tallest boy typed, _You seem like that kind of person._

Confused as to exactly what group I had just been classified into, I questioned further, _What?_

_Well, the type of person who can see people like that. Haruhi said she saw something in you like that, _was the reply.

_Oh, _I typed, confused still, but losing interest.

The twins grunted a little, and I turned to see them giving each other a weird look, and Haruhi fuming mad. The tall blonde boy tried to speak to her, but she would hear none of it. They bickered back and forth as my mother walked in with the grocery bags.

"Al- oh!" she stopped short at the sight of the large crowd. She must have been confused; I was never one to enjoy being in big crowds. I liked small groups of quiet, close people. I had about three friends back home.

Actually, I only had two now. The email I had received days earlier popped into my head and opened up the healing gash in my heart.

But here I was, surrounded by seven loud strangers.

"Well," she breathed, refreshed at the large crowd, "who are all o-"

"They don't speak English, Mom," I told her.

"-f you..." she let her sentence finish and it lingered in the air for a while. She then began speaking Japanese in a bad accent and choppy sentences.

The boy with the glasses was the one who answered her. The menacing gleam in his eyes made me worry about what he was telling to my mother.

My mother rested her cheek in her hand. The other arm was around her waist under the elbow that was propping up her head. She nodded periodically, allowing a disappointed _tsk _out every so often as the boy spoke to her. She shook her head, and I became very suspicious of this boys tale.

When he finished, my mom turned to me. "Honey, why don't you learn Japanese? It would be so much easier for your friends." She leaned over and looked at the screen. "How unfair! You're making them use a translator! How can you join their club without speaking Japanese? Really!"

I let out a loud groan. "These aren't my friends!"

Mom sighed. "Don't be so difficult. We're going to be here for a whole year, my love. Please try for me."

I ran up to my room to escape her nagging, leaving the group behind. The door opened again, only to reveal Haruhi in the doorway.

"Alux," she began in her accent.

I almost yelled at her for interrupting my angst, but then I remembered that Haruhi was a girl, and forced myself to calm down. It was ungentlemanly like to yell at a girl because I had had a bad day.

"I'm sorry," she began slowly, as if she were reading a script, " for those idiots." She paused to think. "They only make things worse."

Her expression was so genuinely annoyed, I began to laugh. She looked so surprised at my sudden outburst that I laughed even harder. Her face turned into a soft smile. It was not the sad smile, but something different. My mind was fuzzy with the sheer beauty of her face that I could not tell what emotion it was. The pink dress she had on only accented her girlish face, and my heart started beating quickly.

"Well," I began, just to say something, "you should go." I stood up and opened the door for her so that she would understand, when there was suddenly a loud _thump! _and I was tackled to the ground.

Haruhi exclaimed something as the twins and the tall blonde stood up off of me. The other three were standing looking down on us. The one with glasses sighed. _They must have been listening outside the door_, I decided. It didn't bother me much, since they didn't speak English.

"Are you ok?" Mom yelled up the stairs.

"Yeah, sorry," I answered.

"Did something break?"

"No, don't worry."

"Ok, honey."

I sighed. "Yup."

Haruhi and the twins exchanged two different looks: Haruhi looked confused, while the twins seemed suspicious.

The tall blonde one was crying, but no one paid any attention to him.

The one on the right gave me a look. His playful yellow eyes narrowed, and they weren't playful anymore. His eyes told me he hated me.

A feeling like cold water rushed through me, as if my veins were devoid of blood and replaced with ice water. I didn't know what I was fighting for, but some instinct buried in my mind, passed down through hundreds of generations of jealous men, told me a battle was beginning, and that I better be prepared. I was no longer offended by the boy's hatred, because I realized that it was not hatred that he felt towards me. It was another emotion, something mutual that was bubbling up inside of us both that would keep us from ever being friends.

We talked on the translator for a while. I felt Hikaru's eyes burning holes into me, but I ignored it. I had names to remember. They had all introduced themselves properly; a bit belated, but it would have been harder earlier, with all of the tension in the air between us all.

The one with glasses was Ootori Kyoya. The short one was Haninozuka Mitzkuni. The tallest one was Morinozuka Takeshi. The twin to the left was Hitachiin Kaoru, and the one on the right was Hitachiin Hikaru. I thought it was weird that twins would have the same first name, but different last names. I figured they were pulling my leg. The taller blonde was Suoh Tamaki. I remembered Steve calling him that once. Maybe he went by his last name? I had a friend at home like that. We called him Leeman.

Deciding to finally call Hitachiin out on it, I typed, _Why are you so mad at me, Hitachiin? _

Tamaki let out a little sound that told me he was surprised, and then said it out in Japanese. Hitachiin gasped a little and ran into the kitchen, his brother close behind, where my mom was putting away groceries. I heard them talking a little, and my mother came out to me.

"What did you do to him?" she asked, her question full of worry and not accusation.

"I don't know. He just got mad," I told her.

She shook her head a little and went upstairs.

Ootori's glasses gleamed as he pushed them up. On his lips settled a little smile, albeit an embarrassed one. However, there was something in it that I did not trust. It held more knowledge of the situation than Haruhi or Tamaki had, and much more than either of the Hitachiins. Even Haninozuka and Morinozuka seemed to have more worried faces on than sly, although their outside view on the whole situation seemed to put them at an advantage from an observation stand point.

Tamaki typed in very timidly, _Please be patient with them._

I nodded. I had felt Hitachiin's deep and real emotions. It had been palpable since he had walked into my house. I did not know what he was feeling, but it had been strong enough to change the feeling of the air. Now that the emotions were set loose, I realized I could take in a deep breath, with only the old weight on my chest to suffocate me.

Feeling like I didn't have a choice- maybe I wanted to be the bigger man, maybe my instincts were telling me to fight him, I don't know- I walked into the kitchen. The Hitachiin that had gotten mad- I decided to just call him Hikaru; I figured it was easier- was leaning over the table very tensely. The other one- I figured I'd just call him Kaoru- was slouched lazily by his side.

When I walked in, they turned to me. Hikaru stood up defensively, as if he suspected I would attack him. Kaoru was only surprised.

I walked over to them, but Hikaru's stance only got stiffer. I tried to smile, but he wasn't buying it. Thinking fast, I dipped into the pantry where we kept the cookies, and brought over a half-eaten case of Oreos. Shrugging, walking on eggshells, and feeling like I was trying to buy over an angry dog, I held out the cookies to him. He stared me in the eye and took one.

I didn't yet feel as if we were in the clear. He did not eat it, and did not seem to trust me yet. I gestured for him to wait by holding up my palm with the fingers spread open and disappeared into the computer room. I leaned over Tamaki who was still in the chair, and tried to find a good translator from English to Japanese. Just because I knew they couldn't understand I said with a sigh, "I wish you guys could speak English."

Haruhi let out a little sound. "I can speak, a little."

Everyone turned to her. "Eh?" the hosts let out.

"Why didn't you tell me?" I asked, smiling at my good luck, but shocked. At the ruckus, the twins walked in curiously.

"I thought that you need to learn to trust," she said a little shakily. "And you look like you did not want to talk. You look like you want to be quiet." She laughed. "How do you think I apologize before?"

Well, I should have thought that one over. I smiled a little half-smile. "Can you translate for me?"

Haruhi nodded.

The rest of the host club followed me into the kitchen. The twins waited for us by the doorway and they spoke for a while.

"They did not know I speak English," she said with an eyeroll. "They make jokes."

They spoke a little more, until Ootori coughed suggestively. Kaoru touched Hikaru's elbow, and Hikaru stopped talking. Their tones got serious, and Hikaru said something to Haruhi.

"They ask what you think of Japan," she said.

"I miss home," I told her. Tears welled up as I pictured Detroit in my head. "I want to go home!" I exclaimed. "I hate it here! I don't know anyone!"

Haruhi did not translate my words, and I wondered if I had spoken too fast, but I didn't care. Everyone got very quiet, and I suppose everyone guessed what I had said. Kaoru's voice was the only one brave enough to break the silence.

"They want to tell their story," Haruhi told me.

"No," I said.

"No?"

"When I learn Japanese, they can tell me themselves."

Haruhi smiled, and even through my tears, I noticed her pretty face. She told them what I said, and something in Hikaru changed. He smiled at me and nodded.

I began to think I had been wrong about him. But I still wasn't sure.

That evening, after the hosts left, I began to read the books on Japanese my parents had given me. It was so complicated I was sure I'd never learn it. That night, I dreamed in a foreign language I was sure I'd never learn.

* * *

**To answer Fairy5706green's question, when Alex says things like, "the expression spoke to me" he means just that- the expression. Not words at all, just a deep understanding of what their faces mean. After so long without words, a person can get good at learning expressions, and he hadn't really spoken a word in about three weeks, so he had time for other things, like noticing features.**

**When it says, "Tamaki told me..." I was hoping you'd all notice two things:**

**1. He used Tamaki's name, which he did not yet remember, as he has only heard the name once, and it is totally foreign to him, plus he wasn't paying attention.**

**2. This story is in past tense.**

**This means that there is a present tense Alex, writing his story, thinking back on other occasions in his past, although still to come in this story's time line. You will all see when the chapters come up. Hope that helps, and feel free to leave any questions/comments/concerns. I read all of the reviews with extreme interest!  
**


	5. Extended Spring Metaphor Chapter

Steve began staying rather late, apparently overjoyed at his pupil's sudden good behavior and eagerness to learn. I'm afraid it was true- I wanted to learn that hated language.

At school I learned easier, being totally surrounded by only the sounds of Japanese words. Slowly, I even began to understand "moe". It was complex. It kind of meant cute, or rather something that made the girls happy, like baseball, cars, and the guitar made me happy.

I began to speak a little. I was able to have small conversations in strictly the most basic Japanese within the first week of actually trying to learn it. Sentence structure was a huge problem for me, and I usually left verbs not conjugated, but my classmates got the gist of whatever I was trying to convey. I understood it better than I spoke it. The accent was totally beyond me.

**--**

"It's such a warm winter," my mother mentioned one day.

I hadn't noticed until she brought it up, but she was right. It had been a very warm winter for Japan, which was supposed to be very cold this time of year. However, the sun seemed to be shining rather warmly, especially since I had begun talking to Haruhi. Ever since then, the winter had been prematurely melting away to spring. Before I had spoken to her, it had snowed often. Now, the grass was a dark, healthy green. Flower buds formed on the trees, promising new life to the dead of the winter time. Birds were singing. Even the crows were trying to catch the tune, their harsh voices sounding rough, but eager, with the spring song.

Only small clumps of snow remained, piled up in stubborn mounds. They were brown with the dirt, slowly melting away under the healing power of spring.

I walked into school that day with an excited, "O-hay-o!"

Haruhi's smile lit up the room for me. Hikaru still did not greet me with fully accepting eyes, but he was not hostile to me. We were in a strange relationship with unspoken but understood rules surrounding Haruhi. I felt like there was some ancient instinct kicking in inside of me and him. It was really weird. I was not a competitive person, but suddenly it was a battle of wits, and I knew that the friction between us would only worsen as I got closer to Haruhi.

The class was so much more cheerful than I would have guessed. They all spoke to me very nicely. They helped me with the kanji that I didn't know, something I would never master even when I returned to Japan with a college group when I was nineteen. Kanji was the hardest thing I was ever asked to learn. As the sun melted the snow, I learned how to write in Japanese.

They were so nice that I seriously wondered why I had ever felt so hateful towards them in the first place. I felt silly and stupid for my obstinate behavior, but they never seemed to mind, and they never brought it up or held it against me. I probably would have, if someone had done it to me. I felt suddenly very childish and inferior to their morals. For someone who had been so cold as I was, they were like the heat melting the ice my heart had been enclosed in.

I hadn't gotten a phone call from home, but I wouldn't make one, either. They were so expensive for such a long distance. I was worried to be a burden on them. We continued to email back and forth, but I would have given anything to hear their voices.

One day, I got an email from my friend telling me to download something called "Skype", so I did. My computer had a camera with a built-in microphone, and we talked for hours that night, at no cost to either of us.

I was so happy, I almost cried.

The next day, all I could think about was getting home. My leg jittered impatiently as the seconds slowly ticked by. The teachers talked so slowly all day long that I believed the day would never end. I wanted to go home and see my friends! I still had so much to say.

The bell for the end of the day finally rang, and I grabbed all of my stuff in one maniacal swoop and charged out of the door. As I raced through the hall, I ran right into someone running to me. I fell down and cracked my head off of the thin red carpet, the only cushion between my cranium and the marble floors. I sat up slowly, blind, and cursing my bad luck.

"Sorry," I said in Japanese as I rubbed my throbbing head. I noticed the other person was staring at me with a stupid grin. It was as if he wasn't hurt at all.

"Ah!" Tamaki-senpai exclaimed. "Alex! Join our club now!" His words were in English, and his accent flawless.

My eyes bulged. "You speak English!"

He cocked his head to the side. "I don't understand anything else," he said in Japanese. He also let out a little, "woof!"

I frowned. He must have taught himself that sentence overnight. He still grinned at me, and I chuckled in spite of myself. "Ok," I said in the language he understood. "I'll join."

His eyes widened with wonder. "You will? Really? Really, really?"

I nodded. It felt good for someone to want me to be apart of their club so badly. It felt nice to be wanted for the first time in a long time. I was flattered by how excited he was. And all of the girls who heard nearby giggled and sped off to inform their friends of the new host.

Suddenly, the ground began to shake.

"Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho!"


	6. The Twins

"The foreign type has returned!" Renge announced.

Someone sighed behind me, and I turned to see Haruhi. "You should get out while you still can," she said. Her words must have really hit home for Tamaki-senpai, because he began to whine, and the two bickered a little for a while, but I didn't listen. I would have heeded her warning, but joining her club meant spending more time with her. I mean, that's the best way to do it, right? Hikaru and Kaoru walked up and stopped next to me. Hikaru's eyes narrows accusingly, but I hadn't broken any "rules".

"As the foreign type," Renge continued, "you must act it! You're an American!" She put her hand into her back pocket and pulled out a hamburger and tossed it to me. It was still warm. "Eat this!"

I looked up at her, to the burger, then back up. "What? No! Where- where did you even get this? And isn't that a little bit racist?"

She pretended to have not heard me. "Make your jeans baggy! Get a gun! Eat Double-Stuffed Oreos! And please tell me you like to play around with a lot of girls?"

"Is this really what you think of Americans?" Haruhi asked flatly.

Renge pointed at her. "No, Haruhi, that's what I _know _about Americans!"

I turned to Haruhi, who just shook her head. "You can't argue with her."

**--**

The school day came to a close slowly and tediously. I followed Haruhi and the twins to the club room, a music room.

Tamaki-senpai eyed me as I walked in. He pulled out a comb from his pocket and messed with my hair until it satisfied him. He pulled away with a little smile and grabbed a compact mirror from his pocket. I frowned as he opened it and showed me my reflection. I looked exactly as I did when I left for school in the morning, but I pretended to be impressed with his handiwork to appease him.

I got several customers throughout the next few hours. It was really easy to be a host.

"What is it like being in another country like this?" one girl asked.

I did not know any of the girls' names, so I avoided sentences that called for using them. "Well, it was really hard at first," I answered.

The girl's friend nodded. "You were so quiet. We were all really worried about you. We never knew Tamaki-senpai would get such an attachment to you that he would ask you to be a host. We never thought we'd see a day where he would ask another person to join."

The first girl laughed. "He never even asked Haruhi to join. He kind of forced him, poor thing. But he seems to like it a lot." The girl's eyes were floating over my shoulder to Haruhi, who was laughing with her customers.

I smiled. "Yeah, he likes it a lot."

"Tamaki-senpai is such a good person," the second girl said. "He's gotten through to the people in our school who are hurting the most."

"And he has so many problems himself," the first girl commented.

"W-what do you mean?" I asked. None of the hosts seemed to be hurting. Sure, they were all a little strange in their own ways, but none of them seemed to be hurting.

"Well," the second girl began, glancing over to her friend, who nodded, "Kyoya was being oppressed by his family for a long time. Hani-senpai was being forced to be a man prematurely, and Mori-senpai was in pain not knowing how to help. Haruhi-" the girl stopped and her friend touched her hand for comfort. She blinked back tears that played on her eyelids, but one escaped and rolled down her cheek and soaked into her collar. "Haruhi lost his mom when he was a little boy."

I sucked in air as if someone had punched me in the stomach. Goosebumps ran down my arms and legs, followed by a long session of pure numbness. All of the blood in my body stopped circulating and stood still, as if each blood cell was stopped in its tracks with shock.

The first girl spoke next. "Tamaki was born illegitimately and taken from his mother a few years ago. Then there's the twins, who were the most antisocial. Because no one could tell them apart, they felt alone and didn't trust anyone. But now, they can laugh so freely. Even you can tell them apart, and we're still struggling."

I exhaled and realized I had been holding my breath. I knew nothing about what they were going through. I smiled a little. "That's only because Hikaru doesn't like me, but Kaoru doesn't mind me at all." There was a short pause, and I mumbled, "they never said anything to me." _Maybe they don't trust me?_

Club activities came to an end for the day, and I thanked the girls for telling me everything.

"You're welcome," the first girl said. "And don't worry about them not telling you. That's just who they are. They all put others before themselves, and maybe some of them just want to leave those stories behind them. The past is the past, and no one can grow if they're stuck in the past. All of these hosts have done since the club was created is grow. Now that you're here, I'm sure you'll grow, too."

I smiled at her, enlightened by her gentle words. She blushed and scurried out of the room.

Everyone dispersed, and I was leaving when I heard a rude, "Oi!" from behind me.

I turned to see Hikaru sitting in Tamaki-senpai's chair, his legs crossed self-consciously and his cheek resting on his fist. Standing next to him with a somber face was his brother. Hikaru motioned for me to come over to them.

"Yeah?" I asked as I walked over.

They exchanged a glance as if to exchange strength, and Kaoru began, "now that you're a real host, it's time you know about us."

This really surprised me. I thought I knew all about being a host that there was to know. "Ok, sure," I said sadly. "I'm sorry, did I do something wrong today?"

Hikaru shifted in the seat. "Not _us_," he said, lifting his hand delicately and panning it around the room. He rested that hand on his brother's. "Us."

_Then there's the twins, who were the most antisocial. Because no one could tell them apart, they felt alone and didn't trust anyone._

I pulled a chair over and sat down. My heart was beating very fast. I felt like I was being let into some special secret. I felt as if Hikaru and Kaoru, the two who trusted no one, trusted _me. _I felt like I was in some elite group. I was excited.

I had no idea what their story would do to me.

"Tell me," Hikaru began. "Did you have friends growing up?"

"Well, yeah," I said. "I've had one best friend since we were babies. Our moms were best friends, so we grew up together and stuff. We're like brothers, even though I'm in Japan now. His name is Billy. Then, is sixth grade, these twins transferred into my class. Their names are Jack and Jill- kind of a joke by their parents. Jack is my other best friend. Jill was my girlfriend." I let my eyes fall, too vulnerable when talking about her to look them in the eye. They were silent for a moment, allowing me to regain my emotional strength, and then Kaoru began to speak.

"We didn't have any friends until the Host Club. By then, we were twelve. No one ever liked us. We never liked anyone. Even our closest family members couldn't- and still can't- tell us apart. Then the Boss came and held his hand out for us. He brought us to this place, where people started to see our differences and similarities. Some people even began to care about us. We're not alone anymore."

This time, they were silent.

"But," Kaoru said after a short pause, "we were before that. When we were really young, there was this nanny we had that we really liked. She told us what we needed to hear, not what she thought we wanted to hear, like every other maid or butler in the house." Kaoru paused again. The look on his face was one of surprise, when a painful memory ceases to hurt for the first time in their life.

"One day," he continued, "we caught her trying to break into our family's safe. We promised to let her take whatever she wanted, as long as she played with us. We really liked her. We just wanted her attention. Real attention, not the phony attention adults give children, especially children of the wealthy. We went to sleep, hoping the key was safe in our piggy bank. We didn't even hear her break it. The alarm woke us up, and we raced to our window just in time to see her climbing down a rope ladder. She told us we would probably never be told apart. We believed her, thinking only we would be able to tell each other apart."

"Every person we met just reinforced the belief we had that everyone was too stupid to see through us," Hikaru said.

"Everyday, we just got more and more wrapped up in our own worlds," Kaoru said. "We almost got locked in there. But the boss found us." Kaoru laughed. "He never let us get away, no matter what we flung at him. If it wasn't for him..."

"We would have nobody," Hikaru whispered. He looked up at me with eyes that begged for penance. His eyes were so sad. All of the loneliness and hate and confusion he had ever felt were mixed up in that one look of sheer agony. I felt like I was in space, freezing, terrified, and suffocating. He looked like a spirit trapped in hell, suffering silently, begging only for forgiveness, for being saved was impossible. I did not know what he wanted to be forgiven for. Maybe it was all of those years of cowardice of not taking the initiative to strike up a conversation. His hand that rested on Kaoru's tightened ever so slightly, and I knew I was right. He was so guilty for forcing his beloved brother to live so early in such solitude.

Hikaru pulled out his wallet and opened it to a picture of Tamaki-senpai. The look in his eyes changed to dramatically from one of torture to one of love and gratitude that it only enhanced its beauty. The new look in his eyes was so angelic that I felt totally humbled by it. It had been like he was falling, falling, falling in some cold, dark place and landed suddenly on a mattress of feathers.

Next to him, Kaoru smiled. He turned to me and his smile softened even more. "Until we met the boss, we were all alone. But we were ok with that, because we had each other."

The story of total loneliness had left my heart beating very slowly. "How could you be ok with that?" I asked with my eyes diverted.

"We had no choice. We had only each other. Only each other to protect us," Hikaru mumbled. "We were so afraid to be hurt."

"Pain is a part of life," I said slowly. "Pain proves you're alive. Emotions, even the negative ones, are the most important thing in the world. When we're dead, we lose them all. They should be embraced, no matter how much they hurt."

The twins were silent. I wondered if I had gotten through to them.

"It's ok, though," I went on, fearful that I had gone too far, "to be afraid. I get afraid, too. Fear just shows a person where their comfort zones lie. It takes real strength to do things a person is so afraid of. I don't think I would have done anything differently in your position. And, I mean, to not be able to be told apart... that's basically to be told everyday that people don't care enough to get to know you enough to be able to see the differences in your personalities. To be hurt time and time again, by family members and kids your own age, then to see friends playing together, calling each other by their first names... I think that would cause a lot of pain. Something children that age wouldn't be able to handle. But, giving up hope? that would be such a loss to the world."

"The world wouldn't have even noticed if we had turned our backs on it completely forever," Hikaru argued bitterly.

"That's not true," I said. "Do yo see how many fans you have? The whole world might not have noticed, but there sure are a handful of girls who would be a lot lonelier after school. If I was in your shoes, I think I'd consider them to be the same thing."

Hikaru snorted and pouted. "There's a big difference between the world and a few girls."

Kaoru smiled gently. "You don't really believe that," he said.

Hikaru was silent.


	7. Family Fued

I somehow made it a habit to play the guitar for my customers. It seems guitarists were attractive with them, and they swooned and sighed as I sang to them in English. They gave me their favorite Japanese songs, which I stumbled over with worse confusion than when I was just trying to speak the language. They all loved it, and my songs even quieted the customers of the other hosts as every eye in the entire room turned to me and my guitar, and each ear heard the notes and my voice. My most loyal customers gave me their own lyrics as gifts and begged me to make them into songs, which I did. Sadly, I still had yet to write my own lyrics.

"Hey, hey, listen, everyone!" Tamaki-senpai yelled while I was playing the guitar. He clapped his hands for attention and reluctantly everyone turned from me to him. "Let's have a concert!"

I stopped strumming. "Really?"

"Yup!" he exclaimed excitedly. "And you'll play for us! We'll invite the entire school-"

"-and charge money for the tickets," Kyoya-senpai added to himself as his pen glided over the pages of his black notebook, which I liked to believe held the secrets of life. "You should play too, Tamaki," he murmured and he closed his notebook with a sharp _clap _and pulled a calculator from his pocket.

Tamaki-senpai nodded. "Ok, I will. Can anyone else play any instruments? What about you, Haruhi?" Tamaki-senpai turned to the short girl with an eager look in his eyes and an excited smile on his face that made me burn on the inside.

Haruhi looked down at her palms and shrugged. "I learned the recorder in middle school," she answered, "but I was never very good."

Her cute and candid answer made me smile. She was so unlike anyone- anyone- I had ever met. Her eyes were always so soft and kind, and her answers, in moments like these, were so innocent and different from what other people would say. Most people would answer, "no, I don't" or, "well, a long time time ago", but she always went into detail about things out of respect of the person who asked. She was never even hesitant to point out her own faults. No one I had ever met was so quick and ready to be so modest and so sincere.

"Maybe we could talk to the marching band," I suggested. Just having Tamaki-senpai and I playing a whole concert didn't sound very interesting.

"That's a great idea!" Tamaki-senpai exclaimed. His large eyes twinkled like the stars in the night sky. "Hani-senpai, Mori-senpai! Can you take care of that?"

"Sure thing!" Hani-senpai exclaimed, turning to Mori-senpai.

"Yeah," the taller boy agreed in his monotonous excitement.

**--**

Preparations were being made and I was practicing like crazy.

"You've gotten so good!" my mother praised as she applauded me after listening to me stumble over a few chords for over an hour. "Your vocals, too. Everything is so perfect! Are we invited?"

I chuckled. "To the concert? Yeah. And it wasn't perfect, so don't lie. I keep messing up that part."

"Oh, honey, everyone messes up. You'll get it before the concert. You've improved so amazingly. Wait until your grandmother hears that! She's dead set on you being a musician, you know. She's so proud her only grandson got her talents."

I smiled meekly. "Yeah. And Dad will be there, too, right?"

"I will definitely be there," Mom said with an embarrassed blush. "But you know how your father is about these things. If he doesn't go, I'll clap twice as hard. I'm sorry I fell in love with such a tight ass." Her fingers flew to her lips with the curse and she giggled. "Opps, I said 'ass'," she said with a snort.

I laughed. "It's ok, Mom, I won't tell."

"That's good," she said with a small smile on her lips. She left me to continue practicing while she prepared dinner.

I put my guitar on the bed and sat down on the plushy bedspread. I stared up at the ceiling, trying to make pictures in the painted bumps. My father never liked my fascination in music. He said there was no money in music, but I didn't need money.

I needed music.

**--**

"There's no money in music!" my father shouted when I began to tell him about the concert.

"It's just a thing at the school, Dad," I told him with my eyes tightly shut. "I'm not signing a contract. It's just for fun. I just want you to be there."

"You'll be ruined in music!" he continued as if I hadn't spoken.

"It's just a little school concert!" I yelled, opening my hate-filled eyes. I totally regretted telling him about it at this point. He didn't want to go; I knew he wouldn't go.

"What kind of money will you make in music?" His thin face grew red and the little vein in his forehead stood out like it was ready to pop. "You can't live off of us forever!"

"Never mind!" I screamed. "I just won't go! I'll do whatever you want, and then I'll leave and you'll never even have to listen to me or take care of me again!" I turned and stomped up to my room, slamming the door behind me. The vibration rocked the house and shattered my dreams.

I felt suddenly so alone and cold. It took about ten minutes until I remembered the story the twins told me about their past. I remembered my friends from home, and the huge distances between us. It felt so small and so far at the same time. If only I could reach out and touch them, then I would feel safe. But they were so far away that I felt I would never be able to feel them again. Then, I thought of my friends here, if you could call them friends. The were really more like acquaintances who liked to profit off of me then spend time with me. That, or their guilty consciences kept me around. I liked to believe we were friends, but I knew we would never be close enough to be considered such. I would never fit in in that group.

However, and Hikaru's words floated in my head, _"The world wouldn't have even noticed if we had turned our backs on it completely forever". _Momentarily, suicide popped into my head, but I knew that I would never do it, even though I would have loved to get back at my father. He'd miss me if I were dead. He'd miss me a lot. And then he would be sorry.

My eyes moistened as I turned on my side and grasped my pillow to get a hold of something solid and real.

The concert would start in fifteen minutes. I still had hope my father would change his mind.


	8. Jack

The time of the concert came and passed as the loud voices of my parents shook the walls.

"He should be able to do what he wants!" my mother yelled.

"There's nothing in music!" my father argued back. "That boy is blind!"

They continued fighting throughout the night as I began to fall asleep. The concert played beautifully behind my eyelids.

I walked into school, armed with excuses. The nosy hosts were sure to inquire about my absence.

I noticed Haruhi on my way to my seat. She looked up at me with a smile. "Ah, Alex! Where were you last ni-"

I walked past her. In retrospect, it had been terribly cold of me. I didn't even acknowledge her. But I was almost crying. If I had spoken, I wouldn't have been able to hold back my tears.

I felt her eyes on my back as I took a seat by the window. The white birds flapped by outside and into the cloudless blue sky. I felt terribly tied down by gravity and the invisible weight on my chest.

The day passed by without me learning a thing. The teachers' words all fell on deaf ears. My notebook filled with original songs and complicated notes. I began to believe I was blind. I didn't pay attention to the teacher, who was trying to teach me things that I would need if I, God forbid, didn't make it in music. But I couldn't help myself. I didn't want to listen. I couldn't make myself listen. My father was so stupid.

Club time came, and I showed up only to keep my customers from being disappointed. Each of them noticed some sort of dullness in me, and all asked after me. Everyone wanted to know why I hadn't shown up, and they all seemed satisfied with whatever excuse I gave them.

As club activities came to an end, I grabbed my bag and rushed to the door. As I expected, the twins jumped in front of me, and Kyoya-senpai blockaded me in the back.

"Just let me go," I mutter. The floor was exceptionally shiny that day.

"Tsk-tsk!" The twins wagged their fingers at me in unison. "Not until you tell us where you were yesterday!"

"Yes," Kyoya-senpai added, pushing his glasses up so they caught the light. "Where were you? You left your customers unsatisfied."

"Yeah, where were you?" Hani-senpai asked. "We were worried."

My hands clenched into fists. I knew they were not like the girls; they would not take any lie I fed them, but I still felt too sad to make up some elaborate plot. "I didn't feel well."

"Well," Kyoya-senpai began as my eyes teared up, "you were ok during school yesterday, and you're fine today. Why-"

Out of the corner of my eye I saw Tamaki-senpai walk over to him. His arm moved as if he were putting his hand on Kyoya-senpai's arm to calm him. Kyoya-senpai's words came to a halt as a few tears escaped me. I was humiliated.

I took a few deep breaths to calm myself. "Can I go now?"

The room was still.

"Please?"

The twins looked around then parted, and I raced through the door.

When I got home, my mother and father were sitting together. The air of the room made the blood drain from my head and I felt faint.

"What?" I asked. "What happened?"

My mother looked up at me. Her eyes were swollen and red. My father shook his head, and a hopeless sigh seemed to come out of him, like a deflated balloon.

"What?" I asked again. I felt disconnected from the situation. It couldn't be as bad as it seemed.

"Honey, sit down," my mom said through a sob.

I was filled with the dread of death. "No, just tell me." The room was still silent, and I grasped the back of the chair in stubborn compromise. "Please, just tell me!"

"Honey, your friend Jack-"

Her words were muffled. I didn't know if he were hurt, dead, sick, or missing. I just knew that something terrible had happened to him.

"I- I'm gonna fall," I said and then I heard a loud thud and my parents yelling my name.

I woke up with my parents and a nurse looking over me. My mother had been talking very gently to her, probably telling her the situation.

"You're awake!" my mother exclaimed. She took my hand and kissed it. Her tears rolled down my arm.

"What happened to Jack?" I asked.

Everyone acted as if I had not asked that question. I felt like I was in a nightmare. The kind when you scream and scream, and no one hears you or sees you. In terror, I kicked and screamed until I got it out of them. Until they recognized that I was there.

"He's in the hospital!" my mother yelled, and I instantly fell still and silent. "He was in an accident. We don't- they don't- know... what will happen to him. He's in critical condition, and he hasn't woken up."

"When did this happen?" I whispered so lowly that I had to ask again. "When?"

"Yesterday. They just got to call today."

Yesterday. He had been possibly dying for a whole day before I had gotten any word of it? I hated being across the ocean.

When it was clear that I didn't have a concussion, I was discharged. The day went by slowly. Jack could be dead or in pain, and I would have no idea about any of it, because I was stuck in Japan, where there were no fucking problems and we all just played with girls without any damn worries at all.

That day, I skipped club.


	9. Lavender Rose

I must have been distant the whole day because the twins slipped out and came back with Tamaki-senpai and Kyoya-senpai behind them. The girls of the class were silent to their entrance, and I realized they had all been worried about me. So worried that the girls who usually fawned over the hosts were unaffected by them, and showed only relief to the tall blonde who could heal any emotional wound with his obliviousness to his frank nature and kind words.

Tamaki-senpai came up to me. "Alex," he began, taking my hand, "please tell us what's wrong." His eyes pleaded with me. They were full of fear and worry for me. Somehow, I hated him for it. I was fine. It was Jack who needed the pity.

Without the right words forming in my head, I turned to run. Hikaru and Kaoru grabbed me by the arms and pushed me up against the wall. Once again I was being held back by them. I felt suffocated. Hikaru was pushing my shoulder too hard into the wall, and it began to hurt. I lowered my head so no one would see the tears that were forming in my eyes. _Jack is in worse pain._

"What's wrong?" Kaoru asked very gently. "We just want to help you. We're worried."

"Yeah, what do you think? That you can hide these things from us? We're friends, aren't we? We're supposed to trust each other!" Hikaru yelled into my ear, pushing me into the wall with even more force.

On my other side, I heard Kaoru sigh a little as I shouted an angry and cracking, "No!".

"Let him go," Tamaki-senpai said. His eyes were angry. I had never seen them so angry. The twins held me against the wall for a few more seconds before finally letting me go. I dropped to my knees and rubbed the shoulder Hikaru had been crushing. Hikaru turned without looking at me and walked to his desk to get his books in order. Kaoru, with a sympathetic look, turned to follow his brother. Tamaki-senpai refused to move, and Kyoya-senpai stayed by his side. Haruhi, with her fringe covering her eyes, balled her hands into fists.

I was an outsider, just like that.

I stood and turned on my heel. I slipped but didn't fall, and immediately turned to leave.

"Alex, wait!" Haruhi called out to me in my native language. "Please, what's wrong?"

I turned my head so I could see her. She looked so mad. Just like Tamaki-senpai, I had never seen her so angry.

"You just want to leave the club?" she accused me in Japanese, so angry she couldn't think in English anymore.

I almost didn't cry. I almost made it out of the room with my dignity. But her false accusation and cold eyes made me break. In a very low voice, and in English so only she could understand, I said, "My best friend is dying, and I can't be there with him. He's in the hospital. There was an accident. I'm losing him, and you all want me to go to a club." I sobbed loudly. The color rose to my cheeks both from crying and embarrassment. "How can you expect me to make anyone happy if I can't even hold back my own tears?"

I sounded so sure that Jack wouldn't make it. I had no way of knowing whether that was the truth or not. I had thought that if I expected the worst, it would be all that more relieving when he pulled through, or, if he didn't, I would be able to handle it. I felt so guilty that I had no faith in him. It hurt all the more when I returned to visit his grave a month after his death. I had always doubted his strength. Friends should never doubt friends, no matter how obvious the outcome is.

Haruhi's beautiful face crumbled before me eyes. She walked over to me and reached her hand out to touch me, but I pulled away. I couldn't handle reassurance when I wasn't the one truly suffering.

"I-I'm so sorry," she whispered to me in Japanese. "Go home."

"What happened?" I heard Kyoya-senapi ask as I left the classroom in tears.

I blocked out Haruhi's voice as she explained to them why I was dying inside.

"Alex!"

I turned to see Tamaki-senpai standing in the doorway. He saw my face and fell to his knees.

I turned away from him and continued walking.

Class was different every day after that. The girls crowded around me and rubbed my cheeks with their soft hands. They patted my hair and gave me hugs. Some were even moved to tears by my sorrow, and cried on my shoulder. Even the boys showed me pity, as best as men can by the occasional slap on the back and curt nod without ever making eye contact.

Some people begged God to save Jack. Those people were the ones I always noticed cared the most.

Hikaru and Kaoru stepped in front of my desk the day after I told the story of my friend.

"I'm sorry," Hikaru said to me. "I shouldn't have made any assumptions. I thought you were tired of us."

I looked up at him. His bright orange hair caught the sunlight, and his playful yellow eyes were sad, remorseful, and fearful.

I nodded. I couldn't find forgiveness, but I couldn't find anger. In retrospect, I never had to forgive him. He had to forgive me. Forgive me for holding such pain from my friends. Friends are for sharing secrets. If a person can't tell their feelings to a person who won't judge them, it shows a lack of faith. I didn't trust him, or any of them, and I was in need of forgiveness.

He seemed so sad that I didn't forgive him. As he walked to his seat, I grabbed his wrist. He turned to me, but I had nothing to say. I couldn't talk, because I was still tormented by the tears that threatened to break me. He stood totally still as I held onto him, and he understood. He put his other hand on my fingers and I turned to him. He smiled, and I let go.

As I turned around again, I noticed the happy smile on Haruhi's face.

The bell rang and I got up and left the class, on a temporary leave from the club. As I walked down the hallway, Tamaki-senpai found me and smiled his gentle smile. There was a small look of hurt in his eyes, and he asked me to follow him. I did, and he took me to a garden in the back of the school, to a maze where the rose bushes were dotted with lavender rose buds. They were opened half way.

"You know," Tamaki-senpai said, pausing to smell the purple flowers, "lavender represents love at first sight."

I was silent with embarrassment, and a small girl's face in my mind.

"Do you believe in that?" he prodded.

I shrugged. "Yeah, I guess."

Tamaki-senpai pulled a bloomed lavender rose from the bush and put it against my temple. "It compliments you."

"Are you hitting on me?" I asked half seriously.

Tamaki-senpai's eyes widened, then smiled a little. "I'm afraid a host can never entertain another host," he chuckled, his arms hugging his torso as he danced around. "But, it's alright if you want to dream about me!"

"But would you entertain Haruhi?" I blurted out.

He stopped in his tracks and his arms fell. "I- N- But that's different! It's... it's different!"

I smiled. "You're right, it is," I agreed to keep from putting anything on his mind that was not wanted. "Why did you take me here?"

He pulled a white rose from a bush a few feet away and took my lavender rose from me. They looked enchanting together, like they understood each other. The white stood out against the lavender, which also looked very beautiful. The colors complimented each other, and the two were so close in Tamaki-senpai's fingers that they looked like they were whispering secrets to each other.

"I want to tell you a story."

We sat in a gazebo, where the white and red roses overlapped in beautiful waves. Lavender roses coated the edges of the ceiling of the small hiding spot.

"What story?"

"The story of my mother."

I sat quietly as he began his long, sad story.

"I am the son of my father's mistress. He fell in love with my mother, and they had a love affair. When my father tried to marry her, my grandmother refused. The deciding factor was that my mother was too sick to travel to Japan and live here, so my parents could not be married. My father, however, was divorced and was the heir to the family business.

"My mother's business went bankrupt as I grew older, and my grandmother grew more and more frantic for an heir, but my father refused to get married to anyone other than my mother. So, my grandmother took advantage of my mother's failing health and offered to take me for lifelong financial security. I left of my own volition. I knew that otherwise, my mother would be sick. I might even lose her." The sad smile that he had on his face was so constant and did not leave. It was not plastered on; it was so real. Such a bittersweet expression on his kind face made me sad and inspired at the same time.

"My mother is safe now. She went into hiding, but I know she's ok. She's an amazing woman. I'm so proud of her."

"When was the last time you saw her?" I asked politely to break the silence.

He rested his chin on his knuckles. "They day I left."

I was quiet. "Middle school was a long time ago."

"It is." He smiled. "But it's ok. Someday we'll get to be together again."

"Do you hate your grandmother?" I asked.

Tamaki-senpai shook his head violently. "No! I could never! She's my grandmother! She'll have a change of heart some day. When that day comes," a breeze flew through the gazebo and ruffled the roses, "I'll have a happy family. We'll get to be happy again. All together."

"Do you miss her?"

Tamaki-senpai took in a deep breath through his nose and closed his eyes gingerly. "Everyday. She's my mother."

I smiled. "I can't see my friend, either. He's in the hospital."

Tamaki-senpai smiled. "Let's write him a get well card, and send it back home, ok?"

I smiled back and we slipped out of the gazebo. We chatted loudly all the way back to the club room, where I immediately resumed my position as the Foreign Type, the lavender rose poked through my button hole.


	10. The Call

It took four unbearable months to get the call.

"Billy?" I asked into the mouth piece. My voice broke as I braced myself for the worst.

"They took him off life support," he told me. I started to cry, and neither of us said a word.

"Tell me what happened," I demanded. My voice was more accusing than I had intended it to be. In that angry sentence, I hoped I could convey what I was too scared to ask: "Why didn't you call me before?"

And then, suddenly, I blurted that question out.

Billy did not respond with hostility. He took a few deep breaths. "Jack had gotten sick a week or so before you left. He started having seizures out of nowhere. By the time you had left, they were happening all of the time. Jill started going crazy. She was always by his side. She didn't want you to know how depressed she was, and she definitey didn't want you to know how sick Jack was. You're so far away, and you were so depressed. She said it wasn't fair. But she couldn't keep up the facade. She had to break up with you so that you could move on and forget about us. She didn't think you had to be worrying about any of this." He chuckled bitterly. "I told her it was a bad idea. After she broke up with you, she was near the verge of fucking suicide."

Billy never cursed. Raised in a strict Jehovah's Witness family, such words were totally off limits. To use that word showed how upset he was. I just had to sit down. I fell backwards into a chair that felt too low.

"Are you ok?" Billy asked.

I sobbed into my forearm. He was silent on the phone. There were no words that could console this situation.

"Jack went to visit his dad at the shop," Billy whispered after a polite silence. "He had a seizure as he was washing the windshield of a car. In the confusion, the old woman who was driving pressed the gas." Billy stopped and allowed me to imagine the rest.

"He just died?" I could only picture Jack's head had been crushed. I shook my head, but the mind does not erase images as easy as an Etch-A-Sketch.

"The family finally pulled the plug. The car had crushed his chest." Billy started to sniffle. "He was really strong up until then. Even though he was b-" he paused, "brain dead. He really held on there. They almost thought there was a chance. You would have been proud." He lost control of his tears as his voice rose in octaves.

"How's Jill?" I asked numbly.

"A wreck," he told me. "Without him, without you. She hasn't talked to me in days. His wake is Wednesday, and the funeral will be Friday."

"I can't make it home for that!" I screamed. "There's no way!"

"It's ok. Jill understands. I understand. Jack would understand."

I rested my forehead in my palm and screamed at the floor.

After that, we hung up. My mother cried softly for my loss as I cried in my room.

I had cried so much in Japan.


End file.
